What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:17
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Put me off passion for life!!
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was very sick at this time too.
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Im still living with it.
She was in good health!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I don,t even have a pension.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do I feel bad when I see white girls dating black guys, am I racist?
My life is so biszare .
But it wasn’t much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I waited trembling.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why are there so many single moms in America?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So whats the point in blame.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
(And it was in our own minds.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i lived it daily.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Comes on , in middle age.
My family never makes their pension either.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ive learnt so much.
We all went to grammer schools
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She found it foreign!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When she asked me how she looked .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Would this be the day?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
I have no regrets .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.